Two Men and a Harry
by Invisibabe
Summary: In a world where Sirius never went to Azkaban, two-year-old Harry is in the care of his godfather, and Remus. One day Sirius decides to put some shelves up...the Muggle way! As if Remus didn't already have his hands full coping with Harry-the-toddler.


All characters belong to J.K. Rowling. No money is being made and I don't claim that any of these creations are my own. I just wanted to play with them for a while…

Massive thanks to all my Beta-Readers: Stella, June, Lilly_Black, Anya and Christa

Synopsis: In a world where Sirius was not framed and never went to Azkaban, two-year old Harry is in the care of his godfather. Sharing a house with Remus, all is blissful domesticity…until the day Sirius decides to put some shelves up. _The Muggle Way._ Will their happy home be destroyed in a cloud of brick dust and woodshavings? Will Sirius emerge with all his limbs still attached? And most importantly…will Harry ever get to _Toys 'R' Us _for his new paddling pool?

***

It was a fine, bright morning, and summer sunlight poured through the kitchen window. It glinted off the chrome toaster and a wall-mounted set of cooking utensils. The polished pine tabletop glowed in the warm light…until the back door opened and Remus Lupin staggered in, depositing several heavy shopping bags on it with a sigh of relief.

'_Wingardium Leviosa_. If only…' he murmured wistfully, rubbing the sore red welts that the plastic carrier bag handles had left in his hands.

Most of the time he managed to get along quite well without magic. In that respect he had adapted far more easily than Sirius had, although he still missed it at times. But they both understood the importance of fitting in with the Muggle community while Harry was in their care. 

Remus filled the electric kettle and switched it on. Electricity still impressed him, and he quite enjoyed using Muggle appliances. So did Sirius, although he could be a bit over-confident in his knowledge of how they worked. Even after nine months of living like a Muggle, he could sometimes still be caught trying to dry his socks in the toaster.

Dumbledore had insisted that he and Sirius get used to doing everything the Muggle way right from Day One. He wanted Harry to be brought up well away from the Magical World and the hordes of morbidly fascinated admirers who would undoubtedly plague the child's existence. He also wanted him shielded from the knowledge of the horrors in his past for as long as possible. At least, until he was old enough to understand…if he would _ever_ be old enough.

Remus extracted a box of teabags from the pile of groceries and began to brew a pot of tea. This was one of the things he liked doing the Muggle way. It was quite therapeutic, and a bit like potion making, only easier…and unlike potion making the results were nearly always very satisfactory. He took two faded and well-loved mugs from the crockery cupboard. One had a Gryffindor shield on it. The other had a picture of Snoopy and the words "Top Dog".

His keen ears detected the sounds of laughter coming from the meadow behind the house. He smiled and poured the tea, then made a weaker, milky brew in a small plastic beaker with two handles and a spout. He had just begun washing up the breakfast dishes when the door burst open and a small tornado wearing grass-stained dungarees blasted into the kitchen.

'Unca Moony! Look!'

Remus grinned down at the toddler, who was brandishing a miniature home made broomstick. It had training wheels attached to the twig end.

'Wow, Harry! That's really fabulous. What's it for?' he said, feigning innocence.

'Voom!' said Harry, thrusting the broom into the air.

Sirius appeared in the doorway, looking breathless but exhilarated. Remus raised an eyebrow at him.

'I thought we agreed on Muggle toys only?' he said pleasantly.

'It _is_ a Muggle toy. It's not as if it can actually fly,' said Sirius with a dismissive wave of a hand. He downed his tea in three gulps and sank onto a chair with a satisfied sigh. 

Remus returned his attention to Harry and ruffled his wild mop of black hair affectionately. 'So what did Uncle Sirius do to get all puffed out?'

Harry pointed at Sirius gleefully. 'Doggie!' he shouted.

'Ah. Been chasing crows again, have we? If I'd known I would have served your tea in this…' said Remus, lifting a heavy earthenware bowl out of the soapy dishwater. It had 'DOG' written on the side.

'Oh, give it a rest, will you? He likes running around with his Uncle Padfoot. Don't you, Harry? Grrrr…Rrrrruf! Rrrruf!'

'Woof!' yelled Harry. He dropped the toy broomstick and skipped over to Sirius, then climbed into his lap and barked some more.

Remus laughed in spite of himself. 'Right,' he said. 'When he starts nursery school and goes round telling everyone that his godfather is a dog, we'll have some explaining to do.'

'We'll think of something,' said Sirius absently. He was dangling Harry upside down by his ankles. Harry was shrieking with delight.

'Maybe we should get a real dog. Then at least we could say he's just got an over-active imagination…and we could pretend that's why there's always dog-hair on the sofa.'

If Sirius had been in canine form at that moment, his ears would have pricked up. 'A real dog? Male or female?'

'Don't be disgusting.'

Sirius grinned mischievously and turned Harry the right way up. He handed him his beaker, and Harry slurped his tea noisily.

'So,' said Sirius. 'What have you got planned for this fine summer's day? I hope you're not going to spend it with your nose in a book again. We could go somewhere for a picnic. How about we go to the…' he glanced at Harry and put a hand to his mouth, whispering conspiratorially. '_B…E…A…C…H?_'

Remus pondered the idea. 'Well, maybe tomorrow. There's too much to do today. You, for example, are going to put this shopping away…and don't look at me like that. I'm the one who had to carry it all the way up the hill.'

'Well, if you'd let me get a car—'

Remus didn't let him finish that sentence.

'You must be joking. You can't even work the vacuum cleaner.' 

Sirius scowled. 'Go on, then, what else have you got lined up for me?' he muttered.

'You can make us lunch, and then you can mow the lawn. And this time, try not to steer the lawnmower into the pond.'

'Yessir!' said Sirius with a mocking salute. 'What are _you_ going to do?'

'_I_ am going to call a carpenter and arrange to have some bookshelves put up. Then I'm going to give Harry a bath and take him to _Toys 'R' Us_. We're going to get a paddling pool.'

'How come you get to do the fun stuff?'

'Because _you_ spent all morning playing in the meadow while I did the shopping!'

Sirius scowled. Then his expression changed to one of thoughtful consideration. Remus tensed. Sirius was having an idea. It was time to run.

He missed his chance. Before he could make his escape, Sirius jumped to his feet. 'I've got a better idea – no, hear me out. It'll save us time, and money, and we'll both get to go to _Toys 'R' Us_.'

Remus took a swig of tea. He had a feeling he was going to need every ounce of fortitude he could muster.

'How about this: _You_ make lunch and give Harry his bath, then cut the grass, and by the time you're done with all that, _I _will have finished putting the shelves up.'

Silence filled the kitchen. Harry gave Remus a worried look.

'Ooh?' he said, nervously.

'You said it, Harry,' replied Remus.

'Oh, what now?' whined Sirius. 'I can do it – I've got all the tools in the shed…_and_ I've got the _DIY_ book that Arthur Weasley lent me.'

'DIY: Destroy It Yourself,' muttered Remus.

'Oh, cut it out. That joke is getting really old,' snapped Sirius.

Remus smiled apologetically and patted him on the back.

'Sorry. But you have to admit that your record in the home-improvement department is not flawless. Remember the time you tried to fix the frame on the big mirror? I had to go up the attic and find my wand so that we could unglue your head.'

'Shut up.'

'What about the first time you wired up a plug?'

'I know, but it was only a small fire…'

'And don't even get me started on the wallpapering job you did in Harry's bedroom.'

'Will you stop going on about it? How was I supposed to know that the whirly things on helicopters go at the top?'

'Alright, granted that was a new one on you. But you can understand my concern when it comes to the combination of you and Muggle power-tools. I'd quite like you to make it to the end of the day with all your fingers still attached, that's all.'

'I know,' admitted Sirius. 'But you don't need to worry. I'm getting used to all this machinery now. I used the drill to put the pictures up didn't I? No, don't wince like that! I know where there are electric cables in the walls now. I'll be careful. Promise.'

Remus and Harry looked at each other doubtfully.

'What do you think, Harry?' said Remus.

'Umm…hungry.'

'There, see?' said Sirius smugly. 'He thinks you should make lunch. If anyone wants me, I'll be in the shed.' With that, he turned on his heel and headed down the garden path.

***

Half an hour later, Remus was standing at the cooker, stirring a pan full of vegetable soup. Harry was strapped into his high chair, pushing a toy car around his tray and making _Brrrm Brrrm_ noises. The rhythmic sounds of sawing could be heard coming from the shed, which Remus found quite reassuring.

'Well, at least he's not trying to use the power saw,' he said to Harry.

There was still considerable damage that Sirius could do to himself and his surroundings with a handsaw, but at least he wasn't likely to lose a leg.

A moment later, Sirius appeared with two shelves under each arm. He stood them against the wall and gestured at them proudly.

'They're all the same length!' he beamed.

'Well, that's a good start. Maybe the house will still be standing at the end of the day, after all,' grinned Remus.

Sirius swatted at his head.

***

Harry clamped his mouth shut and shook his head vigorously. 

'What's the matter?' asked Remus in exasperation, a spoonful of soup in his hand. 'You said you were hungry.' He tried to inch the spoon closer to Harry's mouth, but the youngster squirmed in his seat, pulling at the restraining straps and grunting with effort as he tried to climb out.

'Well there's nothing else until teatime. But if you don't want it…'

Remus made a show of picking up the bowl and slowly moving towards the sink. Harry made a whine of protest and reached for the bowl.

'Me do,' he said.

Remus paused. He only had himself to blame – it had been his own bright idea to let Harry start learning to feed himself. It had been implemented for the first time three weeks ago, after he had read the chapter on co-ordination in a child development book. The result had been mashed-up chicken casserole spread over the floor, two walls and the ceiling. A number of peas had even made it into the garden via the open window, and he and Sirius had been astounded that such a small amount of gravy could cover such a large area.

But Remus found the ritual of coaxing food into Harry rather exhausting. He felt it was probably better for Harry to eat something willingly, even if more food ended up outside his body than in it. He placed the bowl back on Harry's tray and handed him the spoon.

'Alright, then. You do.'

Harry instantly deposited a spoonful of soup into his lap.

Remus sighed. It was lucky that he was planning to give Harry a bath anyway. 

__

That Spock person has a lot to answer for, he thought grimly.

Feeding time was suddenly interrupted by the sound of the electric drill from the living room. Harry shrieked and covered his ears with both hands. A cup began dancing across a worktop with the vibration, and Remus deftly caught it before it could fall to its doom. Abruptly the noise ceased, and was replaced with the sound of Sirius whistling a cheery rendition of _Fly Me To The Moon_.

'How's it going in there, Chippendale?' called Remus.

'Fantastic,' came the muffled reply. Remus suspected that Sirius was speaking with a mouth full of rawlplugs. 'Cup of tea wouldn't go amiss…' added Sirius.

Remus wondered how he had managed to land the job of domestic servant _again._ Then he turned to find that Harry had both hands in his soup. He was fishing the carrots out and dropping them on the floor.

'Harry! What are you doing? You like carrots!' 

Harry shook his head. 

'Uck,' he replied.

Remus left him to it. He had learned the hard way that it was much easier to wait until there was nothing left in the bowl before cleaning up. That way he would only have to do it once. Instead he turned his attention to the kettle.

Sirius was tapping away with a hammer next door. Remus half expected the plaster to start cracking, or the head of the hammer to suddenly appear through a hole in the kitchen wall, but as yet there were no such disasters.

Just as he was about to pour the tea, Sirius marched purposefully through the kitchen on his way to the shed. He said something about needing a bigger hammer.

Remus nearly dropped the teapot. He gave Harry a worried look.

'No good ever came of the words _need a bigger hammer_,' he observed.

'Mmm,' agreed Harry, thoughtfully dipping his toy car in his soup.

***

Remus left the bathroom door open. If Sirius was going to pull down a supporting wall or get his hair caught in the drill mechanism, he wanted to be able to reach the scene as quickly as possible.

He swirled the bath water with one hand, the soup-soaked Harry under his other arm while he listened for potential DIY disasters. All seemed well, but at one point he distinctly heard a loud stream of expletives.

'Uncle Sirius,' called Remus in a singsong voice. 'I don't think we want Harry learning any new words just now…'

Sirius responded loudly, with exaggerated calmness. 'Oh dear! Oops a daisy! Silly Uncle Sirius just screwed a bracket to the wrong side of the shelf.'

Remus chuckled and poured a generous measure of Matey bubbles into the bath. He patiently divested the squirming Harry of his dirty clothes, and lifted him into the frothing water. He had used the novelty bath plug with a floating rubber whale attached to the chain. Harry immediately discovered that when squeezed, it squeaked and squirted water. This was enough to amuse him while Remus set about washing the soup out of his hair.

Shortly they heard a loud _crunch._

'OOOOOUCH!' bellowed Sirius.

Remus paused in the middle of giving Harry a shampoo Mohawk.

Harry shot him a worried look. 'Oops,' he said solemnly.

***

Some time later, Harry was scrubbed clean and glowing pinkly. His damp hair had been combed to within an inch of its life. He was now dressed in a clean pair of khaki shorts and a _Dangermouse_ T-shirt, and was still a bit drowsy after his mid-day nap. He hung on to Remus' neck to be carried downstairs.

The living room looked as if someone had emptied the contents of a vacuum cleaner bag onto the carpet and then blown it around a bit with a hairdryer.

Brick dust, plaster dust and several unidentified varieties of dust formed a thin layer over the furniture. Wood shavings littered the carpet, making Remus feel as if he had just walked into a giant rabbit hutch. 

A solitary shelf hung vertically from a single screw in the wall. Sirius was standing on a chair, using a short stub of chewed pencil to draw a horizontal line on the wall. At least, Remus hoped it was horizontal. The fact that Sirius was using a spirit level was an encouraging sign – but it was no guarantee.

Harry gazed around at the devastation in dismay. Then he struggled out of Remus' arms and toddled into the kitchen. He returned a moment later with his new toy broom, and held it out to Remus.

'Brush,' he said helpfully.

Remus smiled at him. 'I don't think Uncle Sirius has finished making a mess yet, Harry. Why don't we go outside and let him get on with it, hmm?'

Harry looked doubtful, but visibly brightened at the word 'outside'. 

He was a very outdoorsy little boy, especially when he had just had a bath. Just like his Uncle Padfoot, he couldn't bear to remain clean for too long and felt the need to rid himself of the smell of shampoo and baby powder by having a good roll around on the grass.

Unfortunately this was not to be.

Once outside, Remus strapped him firmly into his swing, despite his struggles. He dangled there sullenly and began to whine. 

'Down! Want get down!'

Remus counted slowly to five, under his breath. Just as he finished, the swing began to move gently. The counting, together with Harry's weight in the seat, activated a minor charm. Sirius had once sneakily cast it on the swing when Remus wasn't looking.

Remus kept meaning to deactivate the charm. It would do Harry's magic-free upbringing no good to have a swing that swung by itself. However, for the time being it was just too handy to do without. As soon as it kicked in, Harry stopped squirming. Before long he was giggling and gleefully making 'Wheeee!' noises.

Remus left him to it and set about mowing the grass. This was a task he hated more than anything on Earth; no other aspect of home-maintenance was quite as soul-destroying as the act of trimming two inches from the stems of grass while fully aware that within a week they would have all grown back again. Probably with a few dandelions thrown in just to spite him.

He longed for an anti-growth potion. He wished with all his heart that Sirius had charmed the lawnmower to steer itself while he'd been in the mood for sneaky spells. But in the end, all he could do was trundle back and forth trailing orange cable behind him, while Harry sang a garbled song about a horsey.

Eventually he reached the awkward corner between two flowerbeds and jiggled the mower over it half-heartedly, decapitating a few marigolds in the process. Then he emptied the results of his labour into the compost bin with a sigh of relief, silently blessing the day he bought a mower with a built-in grass box.

Harry was getting bored. He was wriggling again, trying to extract himself from the swing.

'Stuck…' he said, when Remus appeared after returning the mower to the shed.

'I know you're stuck. I stuck you there,' replied Remus, but he undid Harry's harness and hoisted him out of the swing with a chuckle. 'Well, that's all my work done for the day. I think we should see if Uncle Sirius has finished his. Then we can go shopping.'

***

Sirius was far from finished. Only one shelf had actually made it onto the wall, and judging by the pieces of splintered wood strewn haphazardly over the sofa, it looked as if he'd managed to break one of the others into three pieces. He was currently holding up a bracketed shelf with one hand, and trying to drill through the bracket, into the wall. The cheery whistling had been replaced by a slightly fraught, tuneless humming.

Harry took a nervous step closer to Remus, who was watching the proceedings silently with his arms folded. He bit his lip to prevent any helpful comments escaping. He had a feeling they wouldn't be well received.

However, if they were ever to get to the toyshop that day, it would be necessary to speak sometime soon. He cleared his throat nervously. Harry tried to do the same, but the effect was ruined because he inhaled some plaster dust and sneezed explosively. Fortunately, Sirius found the sound of a toddler sneezing rather cute, and he paused to smile and wink at Harry. Remus seized his opportunity.

'You know, if Harry's going to get to play in his new paddling pool today, we'd better go and buy it soon.'

Sirius looked at the clock in exasperation. His shoulders drooped dejectedly. 'Well, you two had better go without me. This is taking longer than I thought, and I want to finish it today.'

'Are you sure?' asked Remus. 'We could always go tomorrow instead.'

'No!' frowned Sirius. 'I want to go to the beach tomorrow.'

'BEACH!' shrieked Harry. Remus winced and gave a _now-you've-done-it_ look to Sirius. Sirius grimaced apologetically.

Harry scuttled off to the cupboard under the stairs, where he set to work extracting a toy boat and a plastic bucket-and-spade. He handed them to Remus, and then dashed back to dig out a deflated beach ball and his water wings.

Remus gave Sirius one last scowl, and tentatively approached the excited toddler.

'Not now, Harry. We'll go to the beach tomorrow. Not now.'

Harry gave him a look of utter betrayal. He whimpered and his face began to crumple. Remus picked him up and tickled him before he could start to cry. 'We're going to the toyshop now, Harry. Don't you want to get a paddling pool?'

This tactic didn't work, because Harry didn't yet know what a paddling pool was. He looked at Remus uncertainly, still frowning. 

'We're going on the bus,' tried Remus.

That worked.

'Bus! Brmm!'

Sirius put down the drill and propped the shelf against the wall. With a defeated sigh he gave his forehead a wipe with his sleeve.

'What the hell. I can finish this later. I want to go to _Toys 'R' Us_.'

Harry seized his hand and pulled him towards the front door. Remus grinned and picked up his keys.

***

It was a ten-minute bus trip to the shopping centre, and a three-minute ordeal to get Harry off the bus. Apparently he wanted to drive. He kept pointing at the driver and shouting, 'Me do!'

He abruptly lost interest though, when he caught sight of the multicoloured shop sign with a familiar smiling giraffe mascot.

'Toys!'

Sirius swung him onto his shoulders and they made their way through the crowd of Saturday afternoon shoppers. As soon as they were inside, Harry whooped excitedly at the wonders on display. Sirius lowered him to the ground in front of a huge pyramid of cuddly toy animals, but Harry ignored them and galloped towards a massive ride-on toy fire engine.

The three spent a happy hour and a half playing with everything from radio-controlled cars to battery-operated light-sabers. They laughed as Remus tried and failed to solve a Rubik's Cube, and then they built a tower out of Lego. Eventually Remus decided it was time to stop messing about and to look for a paddling pool. Sirius wrote a rude word on a magnetic doodle-board to indicate what he thought of that suggestion. 

'Fine,' said Remus. 'You stay here and play with Harry. I'll get the paddling pool. But _you_ are carrying it home.'

Some time later Remus staggered along the aisles carrying a huge box. It was amazing that a sheet of blue vinyl and a few tubular steel supports could be so heavy. He sighed and glanced left and right, wondering what Sirius was getting up to now.

Shortly he heard the pained tones of a female sales assistant.

'Sir, please! The ball pool is for children _only._'

Ah! Found him.

Remus rounded the corner and put down his burden, sighing with relief. Then he stood and sighed again, this time with exasperation.

In the short time that they had been separated, Sirius had managed to find some free samples of face-paint. Harry was now a very small, very bouncy tiger. He also had orange and black smears all over his clothes.

Sirius grinned as he climbed out of the ball pool. He lifted Harry out and gave him a gentle push towards Remus.

Tiger-Harry made pretend claws at him.

'Grrr,' he said.

'Same to you,' replied Remus dryly, but then his face broke into a helpless smile. 'Ah well, I suppose you'll get clean again, splashing about in this.' He indicated the paddling pool, which Sirius was examining with approval.

Harry frowned at the large box. Apparently he still didn't understand what was in it.

***

When they finally emerged from the shop, Sirius was carrying the paddling pool, Harry was wearing a cowboy hat and clutching a fluffy toy lion, and Remus carried a plastic tractor and a child-sized cricket bat. He brandished the latter at Sirius.

'The first time a window gets broken, I will insert this—'

'Oh, leave it out,' interrupted Sirius. 'He's not going to get to play Quidditch until he's eleven. We have to teach him some kind of sport. James would have wanted…' he paused.

There was a melancholy break in the conversation.

'Yeah, he would,' added Remus with a sigh. Then he smiled and added, 'I suppose you know how to play cricket?'

'No. But we'll learn together. Right, Harry?'

Harry smiled up at him with his smudged tiger face.

***

Remus unpacked the paddling pool and assembled it in the garden. Sirius had returned to the scene of devastation in the living room, and the sounds of drilling and hammering had resumed with renewed vigour.

Harry sat on the grass, filling the trailer of his new tractor with small stones. Then he pushed the tractor across the lawn and emptied the stones into a flowerpot. He repeated this exercise patiently while Remus used the hosepipe to fill the paddling pool.

It was a slow process.

By the time the water was deep enough for splashing in, the sounds of Sirius' labour had ceased. Harry had tired of driving pebbles across the lawn and was now leaning over the side of the pool, swirling his hands in the cool water.

Remus turned off the water and tidied away the hose.

'Come on, then. Let's go in and get you into your swimming trunks,' he said. 

Harry didn't want to go inside. He wanted to fill his tractor's trailer with water and transport it to the birdbath.

'We can bring your boat outside…' bribed Remus.

Harry gave the matter a moment's thought. Then he picked up the tractor and toddled into the house.

***

Sirius had not only finished putting the shelves up, but he had tidied away his tools and cleaned up the mess. He stood and admired his own handiwork, one foot resting on his toolbox in a pose reminiscent of a hunter who has brought down a rhinoceros with a single shot. 

Remus thought it could have been a lot worse. Admittedly, there were only three shelves as opposed to the agreed four. And they weren't evenly spaced…but that wouldn't matter. They could accommodate different-sized books, which was a good thing.

At least there were no visible holes in the wall. He was thankful for small mercies.

'So. What do you think, Harry?' asked Sirius.

Harry climbed onto a chair and placed his tractor on the bottom shelf. They all watched as it slowly trundled to the other end and rolled off into a waste-paper basket.

Harry giggled and clapped.

Sirius sighed.

'Don't. Say. Anything,' he muttered slowly.

'I wasn't going to,' replied Remus.

'Yes you were.'

'Alright, I was. What happened to the spirit level?'

Sirius muttered in response.

'Sorry?'

'I broke it,' repeated Sirius. He picked up the level from where he had hidden it behind the sofa. It was now bent into a boomerang shape, and the glass bulb in the centre was smashed. 'Trod on it when I got down from the chair.'

Remus tried unsuccessfully to suppress a smile.

Sirius tried to scowl at him. 'It's not funny,' he scolded, but even as he spoke his voice quavered.

A snort escaped Remus, and soon the house rang with peals of helpless laughter.

***

Remus made his way downstairs, laden with towels, waterproof sun cream and Harry's swimming trunks. He arrived in the living room to find a _Dangermouse_ T-shirt on the floor. In the kitchen he found a pair of shorts and a sock. The back doorstep yielded a pair of _Batman_ underpants and the other sock.

Harry was in the paddling pool. So was Sirius, in canine form. Remus rolled his eyes skywards and flopped into a garden chair. He watched as Harry filled his plastic beach bucket with water and poured it over Padfoot's head. Then he laughed as Padfoot shook himself vigorously, and sprayed water all over the place. Harry squealed with delight and tried to do the same.

Remus sank back and smiled at the cloudless sky.

'I think we're doing alright, Prongs,' he murmured.

Then he stood up, stripped down to his shorts and took a running jump into the water, accompanied by approving shrieks of laughter and a joyful bark.


End file.
